Chinese Slimming Plan

Horrifyingly, unbeknownst to me, I was put on a Chinese diet. Back in the states, I fell for all of the facebook ads and diet fads… detox’s that I’d order off Groupon that I would pick up from a sketchy “buzz you in” storefront in the hood of Chicago, teas, powders shipped from Germany— if it got me to lose a few quick pounds, I was all in…

However, here in China, the country of herbal teas and traditional Chinese medicine, I was grateful for the gift of packaged tea to benefit my overall health… Days later, still groggy after taking a melatonin the night before, I dug into the black tea which was generously given to us by our school driver. I was hoping for that instant energy I was in desperate need of.

Throughout the day, I made several trips to my apartment bathroom, if I was lucky enough to make it that far… and swore up and down I had my first case of food poisoning…. Was it the tuna dip or macaroni salad I excitedly stocked up on at the Western store over the weekend? Or was it my body, finally after 3 weeks in China, saying WTF is going on/ Why are you still there?!? Whatever turned my stomach inside out, I managed to eat white rice and drink black tea. Weak, I was in bed by 5pm.

The next day, I receive this WeChat from my gal pal, sitting across the office from me.

We were BAMBOOZLED!!! It was the TEA! The 6 cups of “energizing” black tea I drank the day before. We asked our translator within the office what the ingredients were… after having to explain what LAXATIVE meant… and yes, we were dooped. The Americans were given the gift of slimming tea….

After telling her I drank 6 cups the day before, she asks me, eyes wide open, if I had used the whole bag? I mean, it’s a bag of tea, shouldn’t I have? She then keels over— in laughter. Apparently, you are only supposed to use a spoonful for each cup. Each bag is good for a weeks worth of slimming. WELP. China gonna get me skinny!

So, be warned— next time you are given a gift from an Asian… read the ingredients… or directions… before you go tearing into it.

Where do I go from here? I suppose onto Round #2.